a shade paler than white, my heart is

baru tadi aku amat sangat yakin siapa perempuanmu
"tolong jaga rahasianya. promise me..im begging u"
ak brusaha sebisaku, kmu tau ak g bs njanjiin apa2. i just need u to trust me that i will not have an intention to hurt u/her. im happy for u, shes a good girl
"yes she is, like u are"
...
"kmu kan uda tau aku uda py cew. knp br sakit skrg ?"
...
"sorry..aku gk berhak tanya."

aku terseret arus hatiku, membawa diri jatuh terlena
ditelan ombak gemuruhnya asmara
ku jatuh cinta yang kedua kali.
kucoba untuk menepis geloraku, kerinduan menghasut kalbu
ratapku hanya meratap yang kubisa
mengapa harus tercipta cinta yang luka ?
kau bukan untukku, ada seorang menanti dirimu
(inka christie)

why now, pi ?
bcoz i intended to kiz u that afternoon, bcoz u keep telling me that she wasnt *** which i bought it, as our goodbye kiz. i didnt have any other intention. but when i found out it was *** while i was driving us back to ur home after from bilka, i realized how stupid my reason was to kiz u. it could be hurting ***, shes my friend. how silly i was, telling u that i didnt want to hurt my own gender/another girl, but ended up wanted to kiz u for a simple yet fool reason. and i could be hurting her, and shes another girl and shes my friend. i had no intention to hurt her but it might hurt her, we dont need an intention to hurt somebody, right ?
mungkin akan jauh lebih mudah kalau sedari semula kamu bilang itu ***, pi. karena sudah pasti begitu aku tahu itu *** aku akan langsung menutup diri untuk dirimu. shes my friend, i dont wanna do things that hurt her. not even if its with u.
ternyata menyakiti seseorang memang lebih menyakitkan daripada disakiti.

our love, her trust
i might as well as take a gun and put it to her head
get it over with
i dont wanna do this...
i dont wanna be a murderer
(rihanna)