Be Without Her

You can't place your trust in people. In the end, the only one you can ever depend upon is yourself.

It's true that I myself can't even forget my own past. But I won't let it confusing me. It's my sworn duty not to dwell on my past.

I believe that if I were ever allowing myself to change and be the person she wanted me to be I'd be just like her, putting my fate in the hands of others. But at the same time, wanting everyone to focus only on me. I don't want to become that kind of person. So I let her go.

Dan malam ini aku tak ingin ingatan tentang apa yang pernah ada antara kami lebur dalam puing kemarahan. Malam ini kubiarkan diriku maklum. Sebab di atas semuanya, hanya maaf dan jutaan terima kasih yang kini bisa kuberikan padanya. Selebihnya? Itu cuma masa lalu.

Dan aku bukan orang yang terpaku pada masa lalu.

Magic Knight Rayearth I

Boleh dibilang Magic Knight Rayearth ini termasuk manga/anime favoritku. Kisahnya yang tragis di buku/sesi pertama namun punya pungkasan yang bahagia di buku/sesi keduanya membuatku benci namun rindu dengan cerita yang punya latar dongeng, plot sederhana, namun nilai moralnya tidak remeh.

Tiga orang pelajar SMP tersedot dalam lantai Menara Tokyo saat tur belajar: Hikaru Shido, Umiryu Saki dan Fuu Hoji. Mereka mendapati diri sudah masuk ke dunia yang sama sekali asing, yaitu suatu negeri bernama Zephyr, berisi makhluk-makhluk gaib, manusia-manusia berpakaian unik, gunung yang mengapung di langit, dan banyak hal aneh lain yang tak bisa mereka temui sehari-hari di Tokyo, salah satunya adalah ilmu sihir yang harus mereka kuasai untuk mempertahankan hidup.

Dibekali pengetahuan oleh Guru Clef, rupanya mereka dipanggil oleh Puteri Emerald yang merupakan "tiang" dunia Zephyr untuk menyelamatkan negeri ini dari kehancuran. Puteri Emerald sendiri digambarkan 'terperangkap' dalam buih yang dikelilingi oleh Zagard dan antek-anteknya. Segala upaya yang telah dilakukan oleh penduduk Zephyr untuk menembus pengawalan anak buah Zagard sia-sia, sehingga dalam keputusasaan Puteri Emerald memeras sisa tenaganya untuk memanggil tiga Pendekar Ajaib dalam legenda yang diramalkan bisa menyelamatkan Zephyr.

Saat dikenalkan ke dunia Zephyr, salah satu anak buah Zagard memaksa Clef mengungsikan tiga pendekar yang masih mentah ini dengan buru-buru. Perjalanan mereka menjadi Pendekar Ajaib dimulai berbekal pewarisan sihir yang belum lengkap, sedikit demi sedikit mereka selain berusaha mengenal satu sama lain mereka memutuskan untuk bahu membahu menyelesaikan misi panggilan mereka supaya dapat kembali pulang ke Tokyo.

Sayangnya mereka tak pernah mencoba mencari jawaban mengapa Zagard 'menyandera' Puteri Emerald dan tak pernah mencoba mencari tahu bagaimana peran mereka sebenarnya dalam menyelamatkan dunia sihir ini dalam legenda. Sampai mereka menyadari kekeliruan mereka dalam memberi makna 'menyelamatkan dunia' dan mereka kembali ke Tokyo dengan penyesalan yang dalam.

Salah satu yang kubenci dari banyak cerita manga/anime Jepang yaitu mengambil tokoh dengan usia muda di mana mereka dihadapkan pada pilihan sulit yang konsekuensinya harus mereka tanggung seumur hidup.

Beberapa episode terakhir, saat Zagard telah mati di tangan tiga Pendekar Ajaib, Puteri Emerald keluar dari buih yang memisahkannya dengan dunia luar. Seluruh jawaban tertumpah ruah di sini. Puteri Emerald yang doanya menjadi penyangga bagi Zephyr, negeri yang terkenal damai dan makmur, mendapati dirinya jatuh cinta pada Zagard sang kepala pengawal. Terbelah antara memikirkan negeri dan Zagard, kegelisahan Emerald serta merta terwujud menjadi gejala alam yang berbahaya bagi dunia Zephyr, di antaranya bencana alam dan monster-monster yang merusak kedamaian negeri. Zagard yang merasakan cinta yang sama, memberontak supaya sistem 'tiang' sebagai pengampu doa untuk seluruh negeri diganti karena merasa Emerald punya hak untuk jatuh cinta dan punya hak untuk bebas mencintai. Tak sanggup memilih antara Zagard atau negerinya, Emerald mengurung diri dalam buih dan memanggil tiga Pendekar Ajaib dalam legenda. Zagard yang tak mau menyerah berusaha untuk menghalangi Pendekar Ajaib menyelesaikan misi mereka yaitu membunuh sang "tiang" dan memilih membiarkan negerinya menderita karena sudah membiarkan sistem "tiang" terus berjalan.

Selepas musim pertama manga/anime ini aku ingat kalau aku menangis meraung-raung menyesali kematian Zagard. Aku menuduh Clef dan Emerald serta beberapa anteknya yang demikian tega memilin cerita Zagard-Emerald menjadi pemberontak-tawanan. Mereka dengan sengaja menutupi kenyataan bahwa tiga Pendekar Ajaib hanyalah algojo yang ditarik dari dunia luar untuk membunuh sang tiang, dan tak bergeming dari tujuan awal meski telah mendapati kenyataan bahwa para algojo itu masih berusia empat belas tahun. Aku ingat waktu mengikuti anime ini juga berusia di bawah lima belas, lalu menempatkan diri di posisi Hikaru Shido yang naif dan tak berpikir panjang, betapa penyesalan itu takkan pernah kulupakan seumur hidupku, diam-diam akan menggerogoti sanubariku.

Aku selalu merasa manga/anime sesi pertama ini terlalu kejam, dan mestinya sulit untuk memaafkan Clef maupun adik Plecea atau orang-orang yang punya pengetahuan tentang misi Pendekar Ajaib dan membiarkan itu tetap terjadi di tangan anak-anak empat belas tahun, tapi sesi kedua dari manga/anime ini (yang tidak akan kubahas sendiri) setidaknya bisa membuat aku sedikit (sedikiiiiit sekali) lega bahwa cita-cita Zagard menghapuskan sistem tiang tercapai atas prakarsa Hikaru yang amat sangat menyesal atas tragedi Zagard-Emerald.

Sesungguhnya di dunia ini yang paling berat adalah amanat. Tapi penyesalan, meski lebih ringan, bukan berarti ringan.

Blow the Cover 2

Disclaimer: I don't own MaiHiME.

Yes, well, the plot's changing fast. Can't be done in two shots if you want me to take the sled and slide down slow.

XxxxX

"Natsuki, are you sure I didn't left my iPad in your car?"

"No, Shizuru. I've checked it and rechecked. It's positively not there." She settled the phone between her chin and shoulder. She rolled the cigarette in her hands.

"This is bad. I can't even log in to my e-mail from the laptop..." Shizuru's voice trailed away and the line went off.

"Natsuki, pass me your pot." Nao demanded while laying next to her.

"No."

"Dude! What's wrong with you?" Nao said an irritable tone.

"You don't have a headache!"

"That's for my depression treatment."

"Shut up, Nao." Natsuki puffed.

"What a waste!" Nao inhaled the transparent smoke escaped from Natsuki's mouth.

"I wish it can prevent the headaches, too. I'm sick of Depakote."

"Natsuki, what if...what if the government still says no even if the hypothesis of your mother's research is valid, important and applicable?"

"It has a high potential for abuse, I understand that. Even if it is valid, it's still a long way before we can abort our headache legally with this." She puffed again.

Nao glanced at Natsuki.

"What?" Natsuki barked in question.

"Did you know that Tomoe went to Minagi's house the other day?"

"So?"

"Did you know that Shizuru has a fans-club here in our school and Tomoe is the leader?"

"They have a leader?" She glance at Nao with amusement.

Nao sighed, "You, my friend, are dead fish. She met the older Minagi."

"I thought his last name was Kanzaki."

Nao gave a rueful grin, "Natsuki, what if he-"

"He won't spill the beans."

"Yeah, like you can guarantee that."

"Do not think of what you can't handle to think about," Natsuki laughed an ironic laughter, "All mom need is less scandal for her research."

"And here you are, breaking the law."

"Can't help it. We are minor. Exclusive criteria."

"What if, what if Kanzaki don't want this to be legal so he can run the-"

"I said stop it! I told you it's still a long way before we can legally smoking pot."

XxxxX

Natsuki listened to the beep before turned to leave. All the way to her locker, she tried to ignore the feeling of being the center of her friends' attention. She got that a lot, and much more when Shizuru became her best friend last year.

Chie came to her when she slammed her locker shut. "Natsuki, Takeda enjoyed the sexy Natsuki Kuga pictures so much that he had to be carried to the school clinic for excessive nose-bleeding."

Natsuki faced Chie with a frown.

"Go check the bulletin board," Chie snickered.

Natsuki walked toward the end of the hallway. She gaped at the pictures of her bare back on the bulletin board. Some of the pictures had been taken while she was kissing. She ripped the pictures and looked around bewilderedly. Her eyes caught Tomoe's smug smile.

"You!" Natsuki strode toward Tomoe. She was ready to punch her when she felt a hand seized her arm.

Shizuru's other hand slid around Natsuki's waist, keeping her at a safe distance from Tomoe. "Natsuki, stop!" She yelled.

Natsuki struggled. "This is your fault!" She shoved Shizuru off, pointing Shizuru with her pictures before flicking the light and burn them on the floor.

There's a strained silence as they looked at each other tensely.

XxxxX

They sat together in the detention room, waited for Mr. Sakomizu. Natsuki was ignoring Shizuru's dramatic plea and Tomoe saw her with a death glare.

Tomoe met Mr. Sakomizu first. "Kuga, you're next," he said it before trailed behind Tomoe.

"You're lucky he didn't suspend you," Shizuru said when Tomoe exited from Sakomizu's room.

"Yeah, consider me lucky enough to find your iPad in my car. And all those sex tapes," Tomoe said, her resentful was palpable.

Shizuru rose from her seat and squeezed Tomoe's arm. "Those pictures...they, they weren't coming from my e-mail."

"Bingo." Tomoe tried to free herself from Shizuru's grip.

"Listen to me Tomoe..." Shizuru's voice shaking, "Please, don't do something stupid. I..."

"Can I drive you to your part-time job?"

Shizuru looked into Tomoe's eyes. She then gave her a nod.

XxxxX

Author's note: Nah, it can't be two shots if you want to slow it down. Next chap: the student council president.

Blow the Cover

AU. ShizNat. Rate M not for sex. I think.

Glad my government isn't blocking ffnet anymore.

Disclaimer: I don't own MaiHiME and I'm fine with that.

Natsuki walked over the cobbled street, blocks from her apartment. She stopped at the meeting point, flicked her light and puffed. An orange Nissan parked nearby. The driver blinked the headlights. Natsuki tossed her cigarette and strode to that car. As she neared, the driver window rolled down. Natsuki bent a little to talk with him.

XxxxX

Natsuki felt that it was just another day in her school. Dull lessons, dumb people, everything is boring.

She sat in the classroom behind the most popular girl in their school, Shizuru Fujino, for three years. Today would be one of their last classes together. Natsuki imagined what Shizuru's face would look like ten years from now. In Natsuki's opinion, Shizuru was the kind of girl who'd easily find someone to tie the knot with. Maybe right after she’d graduated from her university. Her modesty and tradition would make her stay in a stable, long-term relationship and maybe she'd got pregnant by 25. If someone hadn’t blew her cover. Natsuki had always felt that everything in the school was boring, until she met Shizuru Fujino.

At the end of their class, Shizuru passed Natsuki her notebook and asked if she'd free for the weekend and proposed if they could study together for the exam. Natsuki smiled and said with a mild enthusiasm, "It'll be too late if we wait for the weekend to study, Shizuru. The test is next week." She saw Shizuru tried to hide her smile. Natsuki rose from her seat, "I don't study in the weekend, anyway." she walked to the door when suddenly Chie Harada burst into the class and called her, "Natsuki!"

Natsuki frowned and curiously waited for the gossip girl next move.

"Oh my God, Natsuki, someone just sent this."

Natsuki looked at the picture in Chie’s hand and suddenly turned to pale.

"She said you're dating this orange Nissan driver. Is it true?"

Natsuki gaped at Chie. "Did...did they know who's driving?"

"Wow, Kuga, you're bad!"

"Is there something wrong, Natsuki?" A worried Shizuru intervened.

"No!" Chie and Natsuki said in unison. Put on an awkward smile, Natsuki turned to Shizuru, "Nothing is wrong. See you after class, Shizuru." Natsuki grabbed Chie's arm and pulled her out of the room.

"What did you know about it?" Natsuki shoved Chie to the empty corridor.

"Easy, tiger, you know how to keep my mouth shut." Chie’s business-mode, on.

"Nah, I don't care about the gossip at all."

"No?"

"But I’ll pay you for everything you know about the man who rides that orange Nissan."

Chie frowned, "You're dating an unknown guy?"

"I’ll see you again on Friday, Harada. Don't disappoint me," Natsuki turned to her next class.

XxxxX

Too absorbed in her thought, Natsuki jerked a little when Shizuru opened the passenger door. She seated herself next to Natsuki. Natsuki always gave her ride to her part-time job, few blocks from her house. Stopped at the red light, she decided to text, 'The bait had been swallowed,' and sent it.

XxxxX

Natsuki opened her locker and put her swimming suit in. An involuntary squeak escaped from her when Tomoe, out of nowhere, shoved it close.

"Kuga, have you considered my offer?"

"If you want me to consider your offer, you must first ask me nicely."

"Define nice."

Natsuki turned to face Tomoe, she sighed, "I'm not sure if Shizuru will agree about that."

"Why you even need to ask her permission? All you have to do is say no every time she asks for a lift."

"I don't know why you can’t just ask her. You can give her a ride to the dorm."

"I’ve already asked her thousands of time. She said no."

"And why is that?"

"She said she'd prefer walking. Walk, can you believe it?"

"She's in Ten-Thousand-Steps-A-Day campaign, I recalled."

"Horse shit! Did she say to you that she'd prefer graduate as virgin, too?"

"That, my friend, is none of my business."

"Look, Kuga, I'm begging you. Please..."

"The answer is still the same."

"Why, okay..."

"Okay?" Natsuki startled to see how easy Tomoe gave up. But she didn't like the glint in Tomoe's eyes.

"Okay then. I will spread the new gossip about you and the orange Nissan driver," Tomoe turned to leave, "Oh, by the way, Natsuki, I know him. But I don't know what you see in him, that womanizer. Gosh!"

"You what?! Wait. Tomoe, you know him? Okay, I won’t give Shizuru a ride, but tell me everything you know about him."

Tomoe stopped and tilted her head, "Really? Natsuki, really?"

"Yeah. Tell me." She grabbed Tomoe wrist and pulled her to an empty corridor. She halted suddenly when she saw Chie. "By the way, Chie, you're fired!" She shouted.

XxxxX

Chie looked at Natsuki and sighed heavily.

Natsuki poked the girl who was napping on the grass. "I've just found some info about him." Natsuki sat near the red head.

"Harada's fast."

"Nah, Tomoe told me. Do you know Mikoto Minagi?"

"Yes, I know her. I have some classes with her."

"His name is Reito Kanzaki, her half-brother. He's an officer in GND. Gang and Narcotics Division."

"He’s what?"

"Be careful, Nao. He'd warned you. Next time, he'll send you straight to the prison."

"Less rival, more money." Nao said in snit. "You bought from him last week."

"I need it. You better find another part-time job immediately, Nao."

"Natsuki, I'm getting late. Please, this time, give me a ride.”

"I can't Shizuru. I promised to Tomoe not to." Natsuki jabbed her key to the driver’s key hole and threw her bag on the passenger seat. "Tomoe will gladly drive you to your job." Natsuki glanced at Tomoe who was leaning to her luxury sedan, next to her beaten-up minivan.

Shizuru sniffed. Then suddenly she leaned over and kissed Natsuki in front of Tomoe.

Tomoe rushed to them and pulled Natsuki from Shizuru. "What the hell are you doing?!"

"Me? I'm only standing next to my car if you ask me." She anticipated for any harsh movement from Tomoe.

"You bitch! Go fuck Minagi's brother and leave Shizuru alone."

"Didn't you see what just happen? She’s the one who kissed me!"

"Stop it, Tomoe. Please. Thank you for your ride yesterday, but I'd prefer to go with Natsuki."

Tomoe looked at Shizuru, broken hearted. "I should've known the truth. I see you like Natsuki the way I like you."

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Well, you better be." Tomoe then eyed Natsuki. "This isn't over." She stormed back to her car and drove off.

"You don't have to do that, you know," Natsuki snickered.

"I know. But I'm tired of her. This way she'd know I'm taken."

"You crazy woman. Get in."

XxxxX

Okay, first chap is about drug. Next is about sex tape. Two shots only.

Yang Kupelajari di Pelajaran Bahasa Indonesia saat SMA

Pertama kali mengenalkan pacarku kepada teman-teman, termasuk guru Bahasa Indonesia yang dekat dengan teman-temanku, tanggapan paling kuingat adalah: nggak nyangka aku yang begitu kompleks  memilih orang yang sederhana.

Aku pribadi tak mengerti kenapa disebut kompleks. Apa karena itu kali pertama guruku mendapati muridnya mengaku bingung dengan perasaannya pada sesama murid perempuan atau bagaimana (tapi pacar yang kukenalkan bukan perempuan). Atau mungkin karena aku anak IPA yang sebenarnya pingin masuk Bahasa (aneh karena di SMAku yang pingin masuk Bahasa cuma delapan anak, aku salah satu yang di luar dugaan melamar ke Bahasa tapi ditolak).

Saat masuk ke fakultas yang bisa dibilang favorit di Universitas almamaterku, saat ditanya kenapa memilih jurusan ini lalu kujawab, "Karena saya nggak diterima di jurusan Bahasa," orang-orang pada ketawa. Aku juga ikut tertawa, sebab memang terdengar lucu tanpa berniat melawak.

Suatu titik dalam hidup, kita dihadapkan memilih bak dua sisi koin: apa yang kita inginkan atau apa yang kita butuhkan.

Sebagai manusia, kita diberi kebebasan yang luas. Sebagai manusia yang beriman, kebebasan dibatasi (katanya) supaya tidak bablas. Dalam kebebasan, sulit menentukan yang mana yang lebih baik buat kita untuk ke depannya.

Saat kita mencintai seseorang, sesuatu yang tadinya berharga tak lagi mempunyai arti. Jika kamu jatuh cinta, apa sih yang tidak kamu berikan kepada si dia?

Tapi aku mencintai seseorang, atau sesuatu, tidak sampai pada batas tak ingin melepasnya pergi. Guru Bahasa Indonesiakulah yang mengajariku melepas dengan penuh cinta. Saat aku menyadari bahwa aku jatuh cinta dengan sesama murid perempuan waktu itu, aku memutuskan untuk melepas perasaanku pergi setelah belajar darinya bagaimana memilih.

Sejak saat itu aku tak takut memilih, meski aku tak suka memberikan keputusan. Aku lebih baik belajar berbuat salah daripada terus berlindung dalam zona nyaman.

Aku belajar mencintai dengan tidak menggebu-gebu. Cinta adalah sesuatu yang harus dirawat agar panjang usianya, jangan habiskan energinya di muka. Aku belajar cinta tak harus memiliki. Juga bahwa cinta adalah keberanian untuk merelakan seseorang, atau sesuatu, pergi. Berlalu dari hidup kita.

Sebab dari sesama murid perempuan di SMAku itu aku belajar, segala sesuatu milik kita bukanlah milik kita (ya, kan, Ro?).



*mengenang guru Bahasa Indonesiaku di SMA (eh, belum meninggal, lho, ya) dan masa-masa SMAku di bulan Bahasa ini, I miss those times so much

It's been 8 years, and, fuck, I really need a change!


WITHOUT YOU

There were times, so many times, I was alone with you inside my mind
but there were more, a lot more times, I shed my tears away
without you

I've seen a lot of sunsets
I've been hollow and shallow
Not much have changed
Even with you

There is a shade of loneliness inside of me
That makes a steady learner like me broke down and cried some time.
You can't reach for me, but I never feel sorry about that
It is mine alone
And I'm dealing with it all the time
Without you

It is without you, I proceed to move forward and learn
Without you I can do everything I want
Without you I'm not spineless
There's so much pain but I learn
Without you

I deserve my insecurity

There'll be so much more
Things I'm gonna through without you
Like how much I miss you

And you deserve your insecurity

Because we love each other so much
We broke down and cried so much
We moved forward, again and again
Like a restless in our feet
Like a hope that someday
You can decode every morse in my heart

That you'll understand, without you there's so much pain
Please, never stop to learn

Rogue and Gambit

It was in the mid of 90's when I saw this X-Men the Animated Series for the first time. I was then very obsessed about the mutants, especially Rogue.

When the first movie of X-Men came into the cinema, I was so excited because it was Rogue as the key role for the movie. Anna Paquin as Rogue, not only she was not voluptuous, she bore less and less resemblance to the feisty but sad, kind hearted but naive, lovable Southern I grew up reading. But the fact that her love interest was not Gambit devastated me the most. Because I loved him more.

Rogue and Gambit are endgame!

In her alternate earth, Rogue was with Magneto (damn the pedophilia author!), while Gambit stayed in love with her. Or with Iceman (Bobby), and the last couple was being adapted by the movies. Then a producer said that Channing Tatum will come to the picture as Gambit (Remy Etienne LeBeau).

After X-Men the Animated Series, there was X-Men Evolution where Gambit was not an X-Men, he stood for brotherhood of Magneto instead. I was like, damn it.

The fact that Gambit had been tossing his side around every now and then frustrated me. He had his own dark side, one of them including the genocide he accidentally took part (the Morlocks massacre). It haunted him in every step he took, it's rising a hope inside of me that he was a good man actually. It made his relationship with Rogue go on and off. He was one of Apocalypse horsemen once. He stood for Magneto once, though I believed it was only because of his job as a thief. Gambit was my hero back then, I've seen him reacted and worked through the grief and shock. I've seen him being stunned, depressed, angry and reckless and finally loved his great complexity. And won my heart by his genuine love and cared about Rogue though he seemed to flirt a lot.

Rogue and Gambit, with their 'You Can't Touch This' situation, had a dilemmatic relationship. You can only love, not even one touch nor kiss allowed. Rogue power was absorbing someone else's power and memory, her first boyfriend Cody was in coma after Rogue kissed him for her first kiss. She believed that she'd put Gambit in coma if she touch him. And the last thing she wanted was to hurt someone she loved. In the 9th episode of X-Men the Animated Series (the Cure) was then I realize her dilemma for the first time. It was too much for my age at that time (I was only 9 or 10 year old at that time), too young to understand about the non-platonic love.

I do hope that Marvel will do each of them justice. The question is, when?

Favorite quotes:
"I be the thief, chere...and there you go off stealin' my heart."
"The X-Men are heroes. I'm a thief."
"What is it that pulls a man apart, yet at the same time holds him together? It is his soul. And whether good...or evil...or some combination of the two...no man can escape the dictates of his soul."

And the last quotes, I think it's really fit for one of the presidential candidate we had here in Indonesia.