It's been 8 years, and, fuck, I really need a change!
WITHOUT YOU
There were times, so many times, I was alone with you inside my mind
but there were more, a lot more times, I shed my tears away
without you
I've seen a lot of sunsets
I've been hollow and shallow
Not much have changed
Even with you
There is a shade of loneliness inside of me
That makes a steady learner like me broke down and cried some time.
You can't reach for me, but I never feel sorry about that
It is mine alone
And I'm dealing with it all the time
Without you
It is without you, I proceed to move forward and learn
Without you I can do everything I want
Without you I'm not spineless
There's so much pain but I learn
Without you
I deserve my insecurity
There'll be so much more
Things I'm gonna through without you
Like how much I miss you
And you deserve your insecurity
Because we love each other so much
We broke down and cried so much
We moved forward, again and again
Like a restless in our feet
Like a hope that someday
You can decode every morse in my heart
That you'll understand, without you there's so much pain
Please, never stop to learn
Rogue and Gambit
Minggu, 13 Juli 2014
It was in the mid of 90's when I saw this X-Men the Animated Series for the first time. I was then very obsessed about the mutants, especially Rogue.
When the first movie of X-Men came into the cinema, I was so excited because it was Rogue as the key role for the movie. Anna Paquin as Rogue, not only she was not voluptuous, she bore less and less resemblance to the feisty but sad, kind hearted but naive, lovable Southern I grew up reading. But the fact that her love interest was not Gambit devastated me the most. Because I loved him more.
Rogue and Gambit are endgame!
In her alternate earth, Rogue was with Magneto (damn the pedophilia author!), while Gambit stayed in love with her. Or with Iceman (Bobby), and the last couple was being adapted by the movies. Then a producer said that Channing Tatum will come to the picture as Gambit (Remy Etienne LeBeau).
After X-Men the Animated Series, there was X-Men Evolution where Gambit was not an X-Men, he stood for brotherhood of Magneto instead. I was like, damn it.
The fact that Gambit had been tossing his side around every now and then frustrated me. He had his own dark side, one of them including the genocide he accidentally took part (the Morlocks massacre). It haunted him in every step he took, it's rising a hope inside of me that he was a good man actually. It made his relationship with Rogue go on and off. He was one of Apocalypse horsemen once. He stood for Magneto once, though I believed it was only because of his job as a thief. Gambit was my hero back then, I've seen him reacted and worked through the grief and shock. I've seen him being stunned, depressed, angry and reckless and finally loved his great complexity. And won my heart by his genuine love and cared about Rogue though he seemed to flirt a lot.
Rogue and Gambit, with their 'You Can't Touch This' situation, had a dilemmatic relationship. You can only love, not even one touch nor kiss allowed. Rogue power was absorbing someone else's power and memory, her first boyfriend Cody was in coma after Rogue kissed him for her first kiss. She believed that she'd put Gambit in coma if she touch him. And the last thing she wanted was to hurt someone she loved. In the 9th episode of X-Men the Animated Series (the Cure) was then I realize her dilemma for the first time. It was too much for my age at that time (I was only 9 or 10 year old at that time), too young to understand about the non-platonic love.
I do hope that Marvel will do each of them justice. The question is, when?
Favorite quotes:
"I be the thief, chere...and there you go off stealin' my heart."
"The X-Men are heroes. I'm a thief."
"What is it that pulls a man apart, yet at the same time holds him together? It is his soul. And whether good...or evil...or some combination of the two...no man can escape the dictates of his soul."
And the last quotes, I think it's really fit for one of the presidential candidate we had here in Indonesia.
When the first movie of X-Men came into the cinema, I was so excited because it was Rogue as the key role for the movie. Anna Paquin as Rogue, not only she was not voluptuous, she bore less and less resemblance to the feisty but sad, kind hearted but naive, lovable Southern I grew up reading. But the fact that her love interest was not Gambit devastated me the most. Because I loved him more.
Rogue and Gambit are endgame!
In her alternate earth, Rogue was with Magneto (damn the pedophilia author!), while Gambit stayed in love with her. Or with Iceman (Bobby), and the last couple was being adapted by the movies. Then a producer said that Channing Tatum will come to the picture as Gambit (Remy Etienne LeBeau).
After X-Men the Animated Series, there was X-Men Evolution where Gambit was not an X-Men, he stood for brotherhood of Magneto instead. I was like, damn it.
The fact that Gambit had been tossing his side around every now and then frustrated me. He had his own dark side, one of them including the genocide he accidentally took part (the Morlocks massacre). It haunted him in every step he took, it's rising a hope inside of me that he was a good man actually. It made his relationship with Rogue go on and off. He was one of Apocalypse horsemen once. He stood for Magneto once, though I believed it was only because of his job as a thief. Gambit was my hero back then, I've seen him reacted and worked through the grief and shock. I've seen him being stunned, depressed, angry and reckless and finally loved his great complexity. And won my heart by his genuine love and cared about Rogue though he seemed to flirt a lot.
I do hope that Marvel will do each of them justice. The question is, when?
Favorite quotes:
"I be the thief, chere...and there you go off stealin' my heart."
"The X-Men are heroes. I'm a thief."
"What is it that pulls a man apart, yet at the same time holds him together? It is his soul. And whether good...or evil...or some combination of the two...no man can escape the dictates of his soul."
And the last quotes, I think it's really fit for one of the presidential candidate we had here in Indonesia.
Jokowi or Prabowo
Jumat, 04 Juli 2014
Yeah, yeah, I know. You've had enough about Mr. P vs. Mr. J for the presidential election on July 9th.
One of the black campaign was from a journalist, Allan Nairn. He was a foreigner, a foreigner that I believe he witnessed and survived the massacre at the Santa Cruz cemetery, Dilli, in 1991.
Then I went to his blog and his writings kicked me in my head, this foreigner knew too much about Indonesia while I, I never gave a thrice thought about lies in the history book I learnt back in my distant memory.
I had my second thought, a couple years ago. But relying only from Indonesian books put me on a dead end. The only thing I knew about September 30th, 1965, it was about internal conflict in Indonesian military. And a rumor about US was with Soeharto on that.
I was so confused about the election, which will be held 5 days again. And it is Allan Nairn, though I disagree about him "sharing" 'the truth' (I was thankful for his decision), who made me want to learn about history of my country since its declaration.
I hope I can decide my vote in time, I hope it's the right decision.
One of the black campaign was from a journalist, Allan Nairn. He was a foreigner, a foreigner that I believe he witnessed and survived the massacre at the Santa Cruz cemetery, Dilli, in 1991.
Then I went to his blog and his writings kicked me in my head, this foreigner knew too much about Indonesia while I, I never gave a thrice thought about lies in the history book I learnt back in my distant memory.
I had my second thought, a couple years ago. But relying only from Indonesian books put me on a dead end. The only thing I knew about September 30th, 1965, it was about internal conflict in Indonesian military. And a rumor about US was with Soeharto on that.
I was so confused about the election, which will be held 5 days again. And it is Allan Nairn, though I disagree about him "sharing" 'the truth' (I was thankful for his decision), who made me want to learn about history of my country since its declaration.
I hope I can decide my vote in time, I hope it's the right decision.
Pada Suatu Kereta
Senin, 09 Juni 2014
Kereta adalah kendaraan favoritku.
Ya, ada mabuk kendaraan yang kurasakan saat menaikinya. Saat kereta berjalan berupa gerakan lamban ke kanan dan ke kiri, gerakan aneh yang akan membujuk otakku untuk menimbulkan kesalahan persepsi. Ilusi mulai menggerogoti pandanganku.
Gambar yang dipicu oleh pijar lampu jalanan di kaca jendela. Suara yang asing. Seperti melewati episode hidupku dalam kilatan cahaya, membuatku mual dan akhirnya aku muntah juga. Lalu mual lagi, dan muntah. Mual lagi.
Ada satu bagian di otak kecilku yang bersikeras untuk belajar saat aku kewalahan seperti itu. Aku begitu muak dengan rasa mual, tapi ia tetap menyesap pembelajaran yang ada tanpa kenal kompromi. Tak peduli betapa peliknya dadaku menyimpan semua rasa, muak ataupun mual. Tak peduli meski hati pucat pasi.
Menyadarkanku bahwa aku bukan pemimpi, karena manusia akan senantiasa belajar. Meski hidup keras menempanya dalam satu ketimpangan, manusia akan kembali mencari keseimbangan.
Perjalanan kali ini selesai jua, aku sampai pada tujuan.
Keringat dingin tersapu oleh angin, kini aku berpijak di atas tanah dan harus mengulang siklus yang sama sedari awal. Akan kulewati langkah demi langkah: mual-muntah-pucat-keringat dingin. Proses yang sama, berulang-ulang, dan aku terus belajar. Aku takkan pernah berhenti belajar. Siapa kau yang berusaha menghentikanku dari belajar? Aku akan menghadapinya dengan mata terbuka dan percaya, bahwa tiap kali aku putus asa Dia akan menyambungkan tali asa itu kembali. Supaya aku tetap berani melakukan perjalan demi perjalanan dengan kereta ataupun tanpa.
“There’s a battle ahead, many battles are lost
But you’ll never see the end of the road while you’re traveling with me…”
-Don’t dream it’s over
Kereta Malam IV: Kelulusan
Rabu, 26 Maret 2014
Ada hal-hal tertentu yang membuat Shizuru sulit untuk mengawiti tidur karena terlalu keras memikirkannya, salah satunya perkara Natsuki.
Sebenarnya malam ini sempurna untuk Shizuru, kalau mereka berdua berakhir bersama di salah satu tempat. Tidak terjadi apa-apa setelah pesta kembang api tadi, Natsuki mengantarkannya kembali ke penginapan lalu pulang. Shizuru berpikir apa yang salah, yang membuatnya berakhir biasa-biasa padahal Shizuru merasakan sikap Natsuki yang berbeda. Shizuru merasa terhempas, barangkali harapannya sendiri yang membutakan kemampuannya membaca sikap Natsuki. Barangkali rindu yang dia kira baca dari mata Natsuki hanyalah rindu seorang teman yang telah lama tak jumpa. Barangkali, tapi Shizuru tak pernah seyakin ini. Shizuru menghela napas berkali-kali dengan kesal. Kalau masalah cinta, Shizuru selalu kehabisan kesabaran untuk menunggu.
Dia mencintai Natsuki bukannya ingin menjadi pengganti ibu atau sesosok kakak baginya. Itu tak pernah cukup untuk Shizuru. Dan sudah berkali-kali Shizuru mencoba melupakan perasaannya terhadap Natsuki, api di hatinya redup tanpa kehadiran Natsuki, dia pikir akhirnya dia pasti bisa menganggap Natsuki hanya sebagai teman, tapi detik ini dia buktikan pikirannya salah kaprah. Rasa frustrasinya memuncak dan dia kesulitan tidur ini malam.
Mungkin seharusnya aku tak datang besok, diam-diam kembali asrama universitas, batin Shizuru.
Dan kekesalan Shizuru berlanjut sampai keesokan harinya, makin bertambah parah. Seperti yang dia takutkan, Takeda datang dengan seringai anehnya yang menyebalkan. Shizuru mencuri pandang pada Natsuki yang sedang berbincang dengan Takeda. Dua tahun berpisah, Shizuru tak terkejut mendapati Natsuki sekarang mampu mengontrol diri menghadapi lelaki pengagumnya. Shizuru bertanya dalam hati, berapa banyak teman sekelas, adik kelas atau kakak kelas yang jatuh cinta pada wajah rupawan Natsuki? Berapa banyak lagi yang jatuh cinta karena kebaikan hatinya yang ditutupi oleh sikap acuh tak acuh?
Banyak yang harus dipetakan Shizuru mengenai perubahan perempuan yang sedang dia amati dengan ujung mata. Shizuru menghela napas untuk ke seratus tiga puluh empat kalinya, Shizuru merasa mungkin dia tidak mau tahu perubahan-perubahan Natsuki. Dia memiliki Natsuki dalam ingatannya, yang tak menua, tak berubah, tak mencintai orang lain. Tak mencintai orang lain, termasuk Shizuru sendiri. Selama ini Shizuru selalu berpikir bahwa ketakutannya yang paling besar adalah Natsuki menolak cintanya, rupanya perubahan Natsuki kini lebih menakutkan dari yang dia bayangkan. Shizuru menyesal harus datang hari ini.
Tanpa dia sadari, dia sudah berjalan menuju taman sekolah tempat dia bertemu Natsuki kali pertama. Shizuru kemudian memaklumi diri, mungkin di sini dia bisa mendapatkan penghiburan dari rasa kehilangan Natsuki. Di sini dia temukan Natsukinya, Natsuki dengan seragam rok biru, akan menggenggam bunga untuk menghancurkannya dengan telapak tangan saat Shizuru menengahi kemarahan Natsuki terhadap dunia.
"Wah, dunia sempit ya, ketua OSIS?"
Shizuru menatap Nao yang sedang duduk di atas rantai tebal di sekeliling kolam yang airnya surut karena kemarau panjang, merokok dan menyeringai. Di buangnya rokok yang telah habis ia hisap, mendekati Shizuru sambil mengulurkan satu pak rokok yang segera ditolak Shizuru, "Aku tidak merokok."
"Oh, ya? Uh, aku juga," katanya sambil mengantongi kembali rokoknya. "Kau tidak akan menyita rokokku, kan? Jabatan ketua OSISmu sudah kadaluarsa."
Shizuru mengamati adik kelas Natsuki itu dengan ujung matanya.
"Eh, belum tahu upload-an foto terbaru dari Chie si ratu gosip?" tanya Nao dengan kerlingan yang tidak disukai Shizuru. Nao membuka smartphonenya, terdengar klik-klik beberapa saat sebelum ia tunjukkan foto yang ia maksud. Natsuki mencium pipi Takeda.
Shizuru tertegun tapi bibirnya masih tersenyum. Di kejauhan dia mendengar kegaduhan acara wisuda, Shizuru tahu dia tak sanggup menyelesaikan perannya menemani Natsuki hari ini.
NB: ahahaha...aku bener-bener pembohong yang kebangetan! Satu chapter lagi ya...
Sebenarnya malam ini sempurna untuk Shizuru, kalau mereka berdua berakhir bersama di salah satu tempat. Tidak terjadi apa-apa setelah pesta kembang api tadi, Natsuki mengantarkannya kembali ke penginapan lalu pulang. Shizuru berpikir apa yang salah, yang membuatnya berakhir biasa-biasa padahal Shizuru merasakan sikap Natsuki yang berbeda. Shizuru merasa terhempas, barangkali harapannya sendiri yang membutakan kemampuannya membaca sikap Natsuki. Barangkali rindu yang dia kira baca dari mata Natsuki hanyalah rindu seorang teman yang telah lama tak jumpa. Barangkali, tapi Shizuru tak pernah seyakin ini. Shizuru menghela napas berkali-kali dengan kesal. Kalau masalah cinta, Shizuru selalu kehabisan kesabaran untuk menunggu.
Dia mencintai Natsuki bukannya ingin menjadi pengganti ibu atau sesosok kakak baginya. Itu tak pernah cukup untuk Shizuru. Dan sudah berkali-kali Shizuru mencoba melupakan perasaannya terhadap Natsuki, api di hatinya redup tanpa kehadiran Natsuki, dia pikir akhirnya dia pasti bisa menganggap Natsuki hanya sebagai teman, tapi detik ini dia buktikan pikirannya salah kaprah. Rasa frustrasinya memuncak dan dia kesulitan tidur ini malam.
Mungkin seharusnya aku tak datang besok, diam-diam kembali asrama universitas, batin Shizuru.
Dan kekesalan Shizuru berlanjut sampai keesokan harinya, makin bertambah parah. Seperti yang dia takutkan, Takeda datang dengan seringai anehnya yang menyebalkan. Shizuru mencuri pandang pada Natsuki yang sedang berbincang dengan Takeda. Dua tahun berpisah, Shizuru tak terkejut mendapati Natsuki sekarang mampu mengontrol diri menghadapi lelaki pengagumnya. Shizuru bertanya dalam hati, berapa banyak teman sekelas, adik kelas atau kakak kelas yang jatuh cinta pada wajah rupawan Natsuki? Berapa banyak lagi yang jatuh cinta karena kebaikan hatinya yang ditutupi oleh sikap acuh tak acuh?
Banyak yang harus dipetakan Shizuru mengenai perubahan perempuan yang sedang dia amati dengan ujung mata. Shizuru menghela napas untuk ke seratus tiga puluh empat kalinya, Shizuru merasa mungkin dia tidak mau tahu perubahan-perubahan Natsuki. Dia memiliki Natsuki dalam ingatannya, yang tak menua, tak berubah, tak mencintai orang lain. Tak mencintai orang lain, termasuk Shizuru sendiri. Selama ini Shizuru selalu berpikir bahwa ketakutannya yang paling besar adalah Natsuki menolak cintanya, rupanya perubahan Natsuki kini lebih menakutkan dari yang dia bayangkan. Shizuru menyesal harus datang hari ini.
Tanpa dia sadari, dia sudah berjalan menuju taman sekolah tempat dia bertemu Natsuki kali pertama. Shizuru kemudian memaklumi diri, mungkin di sini dia bisa mendapatkan penghiburan dari rasa kehilangan Natsuki. Di sini dia temukan Natsukinya, Natsuki dengan seragam rok biru, akan menggenggam bunga untuk menghancurkannya dengan telapak tangan saat Shizuru menengahi kemarahan Natsuki terhadap dunia.
"Wah, dunia sempit ya, ketua OSIS?"
Shizuru menatap Nao yang sedang duduk di atas rantai tebal di sekeliling kolam yang airnya surut karena kemarau panjang, merokok dan menyeringai. Di buangnya rokok yang telah habis ia hisap, mendekati Shizuru sambil mengulurkan satu pak rokok yang segera ditolak Shizuru, "Aku tidak merokok."
"Oh, ya? Uh, aku juga," katanya sambil mengantongi kembali rokoknya. "Kau tidak akan menyita rokokku, kan? Jabatan ketua OSISmu sudah kadaluarsa."
Shizuru mengamati adik kelas Natsuki itu dengan ujung matanya.
"Eh, belum tahu upload-an foto terbaru dari Chie si ratu gosip?" tanya Nao dengan kerlingan yang tidak disukai Shizuru. Nao membuka smartphonenya, terdengar klik-klik beberapa saat sebelum ia tunjukkan foto yang ia maksud. Natsuki mencium pipi Takeda.
Shizuru tertegun tapi bibirnya masih tersenyum. Di kejauhan dia mendengar kegaduhan acara wisuda, Shizuru tahu dia tak sanggup menyelesaikan perannya menemani Natsuki hari ini.
NB: ahahaha...aku bener-bener pembohong yang kebangetan! Satu chapter lagi ya...
Aries(es) Do Not Love Those Who Can Not Love Her
Senin, 24 Maret 2014
Destiny is a strange divine.
No, it's not a person's name. I was totally amazed by a chance meeting. Or, to be more exact, a chance chatting.
I had my first love contact on my Blackberry. I thought she had just went to France and put her picture with the Eiffel as her background in the profile photo. I didn't notice it before, I had stopped stalk her years ago. It turned out to be her 2012 or 2013 pics.
So, we chatted. Nothing more.
I told myself that day, what happen to the Aries? I am an Aries, two of my best friends are, too. And one of my ex. That day, we all got a message from our exes, ex lover or someone we loved in the past. My friends and ex told me that two of her exes messaged/called her.
It was eleven P.M., a rather inconvenient time to chat with a housewife. I was just finished my visit and waiting for the rain (I'm riding a motorcycle). Suddenly I got a message from her. That she wanted to add me to her Blackberry Messenger contact. I asked why, because I had already had her as mine. She told me she got a new cell.
It seems like everybody moving to android.
She told me she missed me so much. I said, yeah, you missed everybody, too. I was not that special, the last one I only added it in my mind.
I wondered, how can I be so in love with her for, like, five or seven years? It is something I can crush easily, right now. As though she doesn't even exist. It was so weird to have a conversation with her, like she was a total stranger, a stranger with memory. But there was a trace of carefulness in my part, as if I still cared about her.
I just don't love her like I did yesterday. Aries do not love those who can't love her.
She was just a part of distant memories. I cherish every bit of 'em, but I don't want her in my life right now. We're fine this way, with her in my rear view mirror.
No, it's not a person's name. I was totally amazed by a chance meeting. Or, to be more exact, a chance chatting.
I had my first love contact on my Blackberry. I thought she had just went to France and put her picture with the Eiffel as her background in the profile photo. I didn't notice it before, I had stopped stalk her years ago. It turned out to be her 2012 or 2013 pics.
So, we chatted. Nothing more.
I told myself that day, what happen to the Aries? I am an Aries, two of my best friends are, too. And one of my ex. That day, we all got a message from our exes, ex lover or someone we loved in the past. My friends and ex told me that two of her exes messaged/called her.
It was eleven P.M., a rather inconvenient time to chat with a housewife. I was just finished my visit and waiting for the rain (I'm riding a motorcycle). Suddenly I got a message from her. That she wanted to add me to her Blackberry Messenger contact. I asked why, because I had already had her as mine. She told me she got a new cell.
It seems like everybody moving to android.
She told me she missed me so much. I said, yeah, you missed everybody, too. I was not that special, the last one I only added it in my mind.
I wondered, how can I be so in love with her for, like, five or seven years? It is something I can crush easily, right now. As though she doesn't even exist. It was so weird to have a conversation with her, like she was a total stranger, a stranger with memory. But there was a trace of carefulness in my part, as if I still cared about her.
I just don't love her like I did yesterday. Aries do not love those who can't love her.
She was just a part of distant memories. I cherish every bit of 'em, but I don't want her in my life right now. We're fine this way, with her in my rear view mirror.
Do Not Fall In Love with Those Who Can Not Love You
Sabtu, 01 Maret 2014
The first time I heard about this statement was when I watched Return of the Condor Hero.
I learned so hard, to never fall in love with those who can't love me, but I failed often. It broke me into pieces.
But being never whole, I learned not to walk backward. There was no point in searching the whole me in the past, I was never whole in the first place. I'm collecting every piece and hold it together, some day in the future I'll complete the picture of mine.
I've been in too many sinking ships. I've been drowned and never met the surface. I took curtsy and bow, I took the blame and the blow, I tasted the pain and sorrow. In order to be strong and steady, to be wise and discreet, to be grateful and perseverance.
And I have no regret, to fall in love with those who can not love me.
I learned so hard, to never fall in love with those who can't love me, but I failed often. It broke me into pieces.
But being never whole, I learned not to walk backward. There was no point in searching the whole me in the past, I was never whole in the first place. I'm collecting every piece and hold it together, some day in the future I'll complete the picture of mine.
I've been in too many sinking ships. I've been drowned and never met the surface. I took curtsy and bow, I took the blame and the blow, I tasted the pain and sorrow. In order to be strong and steady, to be wise and discreet, to be grateful and perseverance.
And I have no regret, to fall in love with those who can not love me.
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